Why we can’t stop communicating with children

Whilst enjoying my coffee in Gail’s on Saturday morning in Highgate, I was pleasantly distracted by a family sat in the window seat across from me who were discussing the day ahead with their young child. They had all sorts of wonderful plans for the day, it sounded delightful. The parent, possibly subconsciously, was modelling active listening, turn taking in conversation, maintaining eye contact, and asking questions to further develop the conversation. The child was so animated and expressive when sharing all they were looking forward to, and the parent seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the exchange.

It brought back memories from early on in my career, as an Early Years teacher. It was a time which always brought me immense joy. The innocence and curious nature of young children has always captivated me. They have a tremendous amount to contribute to the world, we just have to stop and listen. I find it fascinating that they see life through a lens of joy.

Recently on another occasion whilst on the tube I saw two parents playing a simple game with a child. They maintained eye contact throughout. Sometimes in the process of their impromptu game, there were instances where the adult recast things back to the child. For example, if the child used the incorrect verb tense (‘getted’ rather than got, or ‘goed’ instead of went) the parent supported the child by saying the correct word back to them. Although the journey was only short, for its duration all parties were engaged and the adult was modelling how to positively engage in reciprocal communication.

I went for brunch recently in one of my favourite spots in Kent and was impressed to see two exceptionally behaved young children sitting with their parents at the table next to me. Interestingly what then caught my eye was that both children were on devices. As much as it was wonderful to see their behaviour being so positive, the children didn’t engage in any form of communication during the duration of the meal. The children were literally glued to their device, and meanwhile the parents happily engaged in their own conversation.

As an adult we model what it means to communicate. We demonstrate active listening. We are showing children the flow of dialogue and the two-way nature of conversation. Across the world and across all cultures, mealtimes are a time to come together as a family. My experiences growing up, and as an adult, especially for Friday night dinners, or when out in restaurants, are that wholesome conversations are synonymous with mealtimes. It’s not just about enjoying delicious food (whether that’s in the home or outside), it’s about bonding over food. It’s about making the mealtime meaningful because you’re discussing life, your week, and world events. It’s about learning about other people and their lived experience.

Now of course this brunch example could have been just a snapshot in time where devices were used and the rest of the day there was constant dialogue. But for comparison purposes, there is a significant difference between the interactions I have discussed.

Communication is so vital. So many children are coming into school unable to engage in simple conversations. They are needing to be taught how to respond to questions, or even in some cases, that responses are required. Over the years I have encountered numerous examples communication just isn’t a central feature of a home.

A few years ago I vividly recall having a meeting where a parent shared that they only spoke to their child out of necessity. This presented itself where they only said things like, “Dinner is ready”, or “Go and have a bath”. The parent didn’t know who their child’s friends were, or what their interests were. This may be an extreme example, but maybe more common is when children were asked how they were, they shared that they were fine, but didn’t realise they needed to ask how the person was in return. It was a completely new concept to them. This was further reflected by another pupil in my career who shared that they didn’t realise that they needed to say good morning at home and ask how their parents were. And when I asked why, they said they didn’t do that at home.  

Whatever the age and stage of development, children need both to be spoken to, but also taught how to communicate. If we aren’t modelling it for children, how will they ever be able to go on into adulthood and form meaningful relationships with friends, colleagues or future partners? And with the pull becoming increasingly greater away from the real world and into devices, how can we save human relationships before it is too late?

Teaching communication skills isn’t usually part of the thought process when we want to start a family. Usually we think about the values we want to instil in a child, the nursery/school we want them to go to etc. None of this is wrong, it’s a natural part of the process. I wonder how often we think ‘How am I going to help my child to speak?’ These conversations happen of course, but oftentimes they arise only once a child encounters difficulty.

If you would like guidance, whether that is in the early stages of a child’s life, or later if they need support with communication, please get in touch and we will be happy to support.